


as certainly as love and generosity and devotion

by AlexSeanchai (EllieMurasaki)



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir Has Anxiety, Episode: s03 Maître Noël | Christmaster, F/M, Identity Reveal, Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug Has Anxiety, sitting these two clowns down to talk about their feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-09
Updated: 2019-02-09
Packaged: 2019-10-24 22:02:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17712416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EllieMurasaki/pseuds/AlexSeanchai
Summary: "Answer one question truthfully and I'll never touch the subject again, if that's what you want," Ladybug promised. "Will ithelpyou if I leave this be, or will it just keep hurting you?"Chat Noir shoved her away. "Why do you care?" he demanded, eyes flashing with green fire. "You're perfect as is, obviously, even when youdon'tcare—so why do you?"So this awful mood had something to do withher. "Of course I care, Chat! You're mypartner!" But he knew that, didn't he? Heknewthat meant she cared about him as much as anyone and a lot more than most, even if she couldn't show it well for their own safety.Didn't he?





	as certainly as love and generosity and devotion

Marinette had her phone set to notify her whenever a Ladyblog livestream started; the frequency by which this was how she learned of an akuma attack in progress was worrying at best. This time, she viewed it just long enough to establish Chat Noir was currently at the Trocadéro before transforming and swinging off her balcony.

Ladybug halted on a roof's edge: a vantage point where she would be hard to see, the better to observe the akuma before coming after them. She didn't always have the luxury of taking a moment to assess the situation, after all. Might as well take advantage.

…Except Chat didn't seem to have an opponent.

Unless the parkour course he was treating the area as counted? Which, from his expression, it _might_ …

Ladybug dropped to the ground. "What's up, Chat?" she called.

Chat bounced off a wall and bounded over to her. "Something wrong?"

"I came to ask you that," Ladybug answered, assessing her partner. He was holding himself tensely, and he'd brightened at the sound of her voice but didn't actually look happy to see her. "Bad day?"

"Personal life stuff." Chat shook his head. "It's nothing."

"If you say so." She glanced towards Alya, running over with her phone out and filming. "But if you want to talk about it, I'll be somewhere the livestream is not."

Alya, overhearing, pouted.

Ladybug waited on a nearby rooftop, watching Chat bounce off the buildings again and again, sometimes with her own eyes and sometimes from the better viewing angle of Alya's livestream via her yoyo. Twenty minutes later, after she'd started wishing she'd brought her math homework, Chat vaulted over. "Hey," she said. "Feeling better?"

"Yeah," Chat said. "Sort of. Kinda surprised you're still here, though."

Ladybug blinked at him. "What's wrong?"

"Personal life stuff," Chat repeated. "It's nothing."

"If it's upsetting you enough you need to come beat up the architecture for half an hour," Ladybug observed, "it's not nothing."

Chat rolled his eyes and sat down, a full meter away from her. "It's nothing you need to worry about."

"Maybe," Ladybug allowed, "but I'd like to decide that for myself."

Chat looked down, toying with the tip of his tail. "It's nothing _I_ need to worry about, either." He hesitated, deliberating, then continued, "That's part of the problem. It's _nothing to worry about_ but I can't _stop_."

Ladybug considered the meter of empty space Chat had chosen to put between them, then scooted closer to him, halving it. "I know that feel."

"Yeah?" He sounded disbelieving, but unsurprised. "You compulsively worry about objectively ludicrous nonsense?"

" _All_ the time," Ladybug said at once. "I make way too many decisions based on what I think my crush would want. Without asking what he wants, mind you, because nine times out of ten he might have an opinion but by the tenth time he'd just think I'm…" Actual words failed her, so she flailed her hands illustratively instead.

"If he thinks _his_ opinion is a good metric for _your_ decisions, lose him," Chat advised. "You deserve better than that."

"Oh, he doesn't," Ladybug assured him. "You see? Objectively ludicrous."

Chat snorted. "Uh- _huh_."

"So…what objectively ludicrous thing are you worrying about?" Ladybug asked, trying to sound gentle.

"It's not important." Chat still hadn't looked up. "It's really nothing, Ladybug, please, please just—" The next word broke off in a sob.

"Chaton?" She threw her arms around him, pulling him close; he stiffened, startled, but didn't fight her. "Whatever it is, it's hurting you. Please talk to me."

"You can't help," he told her shoulder.

"How can you be sure?"

"I can't ask you to help with this." He was beginning to shake in her arms; if he wasn't crying yet, he would be soon.

"Why not?"

"Ladybug, _please_ just leave it _alone_?"

Chat wasn't trying to push her away, though. She carded her fingers through his hair. "Answer one question truthfully and I'll never touch the subject again, if that's what you want," Ladybug promised. "Will it _help_ you if I leave this be, or will it just keep hurting you?"

He shoved her away. "Why do you care?" he demanded, eyes flashing with green fire. "You're perfect as is, obviously, even when you _don't_ care—so why do you?"

So this had something to do with _her_. "Of course I care, Chat! You're my _partner_!" But he knew that, didn't he? He _knew_ that meant she cared about him as much as anyone and a lot more than most, even if she couldn't show it well for their own safety.

Didn't he?

"I think," Chat said in the stiff, tight way she thought meant he was overcontrolling himself, "that means more to me than it does to you. And that's _fine_. I don't have any right to be upset about it."

That…made no sense whatsoever. Ladybug wasn't going to admit that, though. "So if you saw me as upset as you are, you wouldn't want to help however you could?"

"That's different," Chat told her, half smiling. "Helping you is my job."

"And helping you isn't mine?" Ladybug asked, affronted.

Chat looked away.

"You honestly think that," Ladybug said, staring at him. "You honestly believe I am not here to help you as much as you help me."

"It's the truth," Chat said, gazing over the city.

"Oh gods," Ladybug said, feeling her heart plummeting endlessly. "No. _No_ , Chat, I said we are equal partners and I _meant_ it, and if you don't believe it then _I fucked up_."

Chat's head snapped around. "What?"

"I must have fucked up," Ladybug repeated. "I don't know when or why or how, or how to fix it, but I must have fucked up somehow, because you honestly think I can just sit here while you're hurting—" Except that wasn't even the problem, was it? "—I can just sit here and _hurt_ you, and we should both be _okay_ with this!"

Chat didn't answer; his eyes glimmered with tears.

"I'm a horrible partner," Ladybug realized. "I'm _awful_ , and you don't even trust me enough to _say_ so—"

"And we're back to the objectively ludicrous," Chat said dryly.

"Objectively ludicrous," Ladybug repeated, flatly disbelieving. "You're sitting here telling me our partnership is unbalanced, and that's hurting you, and there is nothing I should do about this, and the problem is _not_ that I'm fucking up by the numbers?" She was raising her voice; with effort she brought it down to something less likely to carry. "Please, share your reasoning!"

Chat hmphed. "You're not fucking up, that's why," he told her, matter-of-factly, however sad. "I am."

"I don't believe you."

"Exhibit A," Chat said. "The actual Santa Claus. Permit me to enter into the record this account of his remarks last weekend, Your Honor."

"Hang on," said Ladybug. "I'm stuck on 'the actual Santa Claus'."

Chat stared at her. "You met him too. I was there."

It was not the actual Santa Claus. There was no way; leaving aside the bit where he was an often-cosplayed mythical character, not a real person—which Ladybug was not about to mention, because Chat Noir obviously still believed, and there were _rules about this, damn it_ —

"If you're the best behaved kid on his list," Chat told her, "how am I supposed to believe you could behave better? I mean," he said, trying to sound joking, "you're up against every kid in the world—that's pretty stiff competition."

"Oh." Ladybug reached for him; he flinched away. "Chaton, no, that was total bullshit."

"If you say so," Chat said, dubious.

"I _know_ so." She let her arm fall away from him. "You noticed how I kept knowing what Santa was going to say before he said it?"

Chat shrugged. "I figured you were both quoting something I've never seen."

"Yeah, we were," Ladybug told him. "Me. That afternoon. While babysitting that kid." Chat's jaw dropped. "He wouldn't behave, and he was demanding to know what was in a box in my room, and I didn't want to tell him it's presents I made my crush that I'm too embarrassed to actually give him, so to shut him up I made up some bullshit on the spot. _That's_ what we were quoting, Chat. _Including_ the part where Ladybug is the best behaved kid in the world, which, by the way, the girl under the mask is not." He was gawking unabashedly at her now. She glanced away, unaccountably nervous. "I think that Santa was another animated toy. The figurine in the sleigh in the snow globe itself, probably. Because he was playing by what _I_ told Chris the rules were, and nobody but Chris and Tikki heard those rules from me."

Chat clicked his jaw closed. "I am going to pretend this conversation never happened," he decided. He leaned over and patted her on the knee. "Good talk."

"Wait, what?" Ladybug caught Chat's hand as he started to rise. "Why?"

"Ladybug." Chat held himself still. Trembling. "I know exactly who was babysitting Chris Lahiffe that afternoon. And you do not want me to connect those dots."

"Oh gods." Fuck a _duck_ into the bargain. "Chat, I—"

Great, now she was crying.

"I'm sorry!" Now it was Chat Noir pulling _her_ close, running soothing fingers up and down her arm. "I'm _sorry_ , my Lady, I won't tell anyone, I promise, I'll do my best to forget it myself, I know you don't want me knowing, I'm so sorry—"

"I _do_ want you to know!"

Chat startled badly enough they almost fell.

Well, she'd startled herself, too. But it wasn't _wrong_. "I have always wanted you to know," Ladybug said into the junction of his neck and shoulder. "It's just that I didn't want _anyone_ to know. About either of us. For our _safety_. Our loved ones' safety. And we're both part of anyone."

"Oh," Chat said into her hair. "I won't tell anyone, Ladybug. I promise. But fair warning, I don't know how I'm going to act like I don't know, either."

Ladybug sniffled. "I'm sorry, minou."

He sighed. "It's not your fault."

"A lot of stuff is," she observed. "Including apparently how you think you _should_ think you can't expect me to treat you better than I've been doing. You do know that's bullshit, right?"

"Enh," Chat said. "It really is nothing to worry about. If only one of us is going to make it through something, it should be you, because you're the one who can fix things. If only one of us should be trusted with some secret, it should be you, because you're the more trustworthy of us." He hugged her tighter. "You don't need me like you say you do. Or like I need you. That's _fine_ , I promise. It's definitely better than us both being needy little fuckups. I'm just not great at dealing with it."

"Chat," Ladybug said, despairing. "Chaton. No. I—"

 _He_ was the more trustworthy one. He always had been. And she wasn't going to wonder who needed whom more, but she did desperately need him. She always had.

How did he not know this?

How could she _prove_ this to him? Retreating to the familiar ground of _the fewer people know, the better_ felt like hollow lies—

Oh.

"Nino is Carapace," Ladybug said, pulling away far enough to watch his face as he heard this. "Nino Lahiffe. Alya Césaire is Rena Rouge."

Chat blinked several times. "Okay, that makes sense, I guess," he answered. "Why tell me, though?"

Ladybug shrugged. "Why not?"

He blinked some more.

"If one of the things I'm doing wrong is not telling you things you think you should know," Ladybug said, more seriously, "then I need to tell you those things, don't I?"

"Oh," said Chat Noir, looking very like he did on those occasions when he'd just been whacked upside the head and hadn't quite seen it coming.

"There's probably a laundry list of things I should tell you, actually," Ladybug said, guilty. "And I bet a bunch of them are things I don't say because why bother when you already know? Except I don't know anymore that you do already know."

"Like what?" he asked, his voice quiet and rough.

Ladybug reached up to caress his cheek. "I can't imagine losing you," she told him. "I have no idea what my life would look like anymore if you weren't in it. Probably not much," she admitted. Which kind of said something in itself, didn't it?

Especially in context of the thirty-odd birthday presents in that box, waiting to be given to Adrien in an orderly and totally-not-obsessive manner. She could envision life without _Adrien_ before life without Chat Noir!

"I wouldn't have made it three days as Ladybug without you," she continued. "Maybe not even one. You're—you're so kind, and courageous, and you never give up, _never_ , and you're sweet and funny and kind and—and I think you're sad a lot more often than you want to let on," evidence, the tears streaming silently down his face, "and I hate that. It isn't right."

"But you don't love me," Chat said, in a tone of asking clarification.

Ladybug shook her head. "That doesn't have to matter. Does it? Nobody wants to romance all the important people in their life. Or at least I hope not. And who people do romance isn't necessarily someone important to them at all."

"I'm starting to get mixed signals here," Chat remarked, sounding vastly amused. He pressed his head into her hand. "Can I tell you something, Marinette?"

—Ooh, shit. Chat had never said her name like that before—like something priceless, beloved, to be treasured. Never with such soft eyes, or in this tone that sent warmth pulsing through her blood, her heart.

Of course, he'd never said her name knowing she was the girl he said he loved, either.

She might be in trouble.

"The first thing you already know," Chat went on, sounding worried by her silence. "But I want you to be thinking about it when I tell you my name."

"You shouldn't," Ladybug murmured. "No sense putting you in danger when I can't keep my big mouth shut." But she was objecting mostly to say she'd objected, and she knew it.

"I trust you," Chat reminded her. "And you're really good at keeping secrets. Do you _want_ to know who I am? If safety weren't a concern, would you want me to tell you?"

"Of course I want to know, chaton!"

He smiled, moving to caress her cheek as she was still doing his. "So can I tell you?"

…Well, it really wasn't fair that he knew _her_ name and not vice versa, right?

"Please."

"Oh, good," Chat said, grinning. "The dramatic irony was going to kill me, otherwise."

She blinked. He sobered.

"I love you so much," Chat told her. "I don't know how I could have gone to class tomorrow and seen you sitting right behind me without letting on I know it's you. —Shit, we need to talk about that," he realized. "Lila likes being akumatized so much I bet I know exactly what will happen the minute she hears I'm dating anyone who isn't her. Especially given it's you. She really hates you." He shrugged a little. "And I don't actually want to have to kick her ass again, no matter how funny it would be to see her face when I tell her she should have known when she pretended to dangle me off the Eiffel Tower that she was losing any chance at me she could ever have had."

As Chameleon, Lila hadn't threatened anyone like that. As Volpina, she'd only—threatened—

"Adrien," breathed Ladybug.

Chat smiled shyly. "Hi."

"Oh my gods," Ladybug almost shouted. "Oh my gods! I thought I was lying to your face, Chat—the whole mess with my papa getting akumatized, I thought you were about to figure me out and I didn't want that and _I thought I was lying_!"

Chat burst out laughing. "Is that what that was! Fascinating choice of lie, my Lady. Personally, given where we were right then, I would have gone with 'Hey asshole, I live here!'"

Ladybug pinched his conveniently located earlobe, but not hard; he was, unfortunately, probably right, and she was laughing too, leaning her head on his shoulder because she'd never stay upright without him.

Which…put them awfully close together, didn't it. It was one thing to have no personal space to speak of with Chat Noir, but mask or no, this was _Adrien_.

Who was _Chat Noir_ , who loved her.

She looked up.

"You love me," she said.

"Always have."

"I love you."

"I know." He smiled. "I figured it out months ago, but with as nervous as I apparently make you, I didn't want to say for fear the embarrassment would kill you."

Ladybug snorted. "No fear of _that_ now."

Chat snickered. "I figured."

And she knew the answer to this, of course, and it wasn't like it would change anything now, really, either to ask or to act on the answer. But she still had to ask.

"You want to kiss me?"

Chat crushed her to him, his lips on hers like lightning, searing through her veins. Like running the rooftops together, everything so comfortably right with the world. Like falling together at terminal velocity, scared because who could be otherwise, but knowing it would work out because her partner was _right there_ , and after all it wasn't the fall that killed you.

And they were pretty good at not hitting the ground.

They separated, just far enough to draw breath.

"Oh, lovely," muttered Chat, looking to the side. "I forgot Alya was recording."

"Oops," said Ladybug, laughing again. "I forgot too, and she's how I even knew to come find you! At least she's too far away to hear us?" She looked for herself, and yeah. That was better than the alternative, though as it was Alya wasn't going to shut up about this for months.

"Wow, we're observant," noted Chat.

"Shut it, you."

"Okay," said Chat cheerfully, and kissed her some more.

"That's cheating," she told him, a minute later and breathlessly. "But this once I'll allow it."

"As you wish," Chat said, and suddenly she couldn't stop smiling.

Neither could he, it seemed. And that might be the loveliest sight in the world.

"So," Chat said, idly, as if this were of no consequence; Ladybug was instantly suspicious. "What's this about a boxful of presents you made me?"

"Shut _up_ , Chat!"

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on [Dreamwidth](https://alexseanchai.dreamwidth.org/) and [Tumblr](http://alexseanchai.tumblr.com/).


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